SubSonic to Acquire NHibernate

Hanalei, HI – April 1, 2009: SubSonic (http://subsonicproject.com), a data access tool and “Super High-fidelity Batman Toolbelt” (according to its owner, Rob Conery), is set to acquire NHibernate, a much larger data access technology built on the .NET platform. The terms of the deal have not yet been announced but the stage has been set for what many see as a hostile transition of ownership.

A developer that works closely with NHibernate offered this comment on the condition of anonymity:

“Here we are jamming out this fluent interface and trying to figure out the whole Linq thing and BAM – here comes this email from some dude in Hawaii that says like ‘you’re ****t’s mine now’. I mean… What the hell is that? You’d think he would have called or sent some burritos or something. Whatever – let him try. I’ll spin his head up with so much ICriteria that his ISession will pop!

But we’re not going down without a fight… I don’t think. Well whatever Ayende decides to do and I’m pretty sure he’ll want to stand up to this guy. He’s big you know – Ayende – he’s real big. And he’s loud too. You ever talk to that guy? Yah… he’s big. And he’s right ALL THE TIME. Yah I don’t think this is gonna happen. Ayende won’t let it.”

The acquisition has proceeded at lightning pace and it’s clear Mr. Conery, SubSonic’s Chief Agitator, is on a tight timeline with the process.

“Basically it comes down to this: the whole ORM thing is out of control and it starts with NHibernate – this is a ‘decapitation strike’  to borrow a term from the military. You know there’s close to 800,000 lines of code in NHibernate – that’s enough to fly the Space Shuttle! We plan on locking that sucker down before it turns into SkyNet and takes over the entire planet.“

Indeed Mr. Conery understands what it takes to support Space Shuttle operations, with SubSonic being selected a few years back to power the data access for all Shuttle flight operations.

But what of the developers currently using NHibernate? One of SubSonic’s Core Team members, Bruce Dickinson, had this to offer:

“Yah I’ve partied with the Alties a few times and their cool. But every time you see those guys… well one of em starts wanking on about the names of yer bleedin tests or that you’re not invertin the control of somethin. And you know what then! I’ll tell ya what then – they get all excited and start swearin and makin asses of themselves – reeeeeally loud like! Pretty soon all the ladies are leavin and you’re left staring at some big Israeli guy who looks like he wants to eat your head!”

It’s uncertain when the deal will be finalized, but Mr. Conery appears resolute on the matter, devoting all his time to the effort:

“I like the Alt.NET guys. Some of my best friends are Alt.NET guys – but I want to tell all the Alties out there that this is for their own good and we’re here to help them integrate back into the Real World and, hopefully, to get some work done. It’s going to be hard I’m sure, but I’m sure our new Coder Detox program will help out with that.

Essentially Coder Detox will be a peer group where we try and enforce the message that not every problem can be solved by using more code or Twitter or some deep freaky pattern. It’s similar to Heroin treatment in that we’ll let them use their laptops and Twitter to communicate with the rest of the group and outside world (using limited amounts of cursing of course – can’t cut them off completely) with the hope that they can, eventually, communicate their feelings without excessive swearing and belittling the rest of humanity.

A lot of people tell me I’m dreaming – but I’ve faced that before. I’ve sent SubSonic into orbit – I can deal with a few petulant, self-entitled coders I think.”

So what’s the first order of business when NHibernate becomes part of SubSonic? Mr. Conery has some pretty clear thoughts:

“First thing we’re going to do is to find out just how this whole thing happened. 800,000 lines of code to work with a database is no mistake – this was deliberate and we owe it to ourselves and future generations of coders to find out why.

After that – well we’re not sure. I’ll probably take Ayende out for Mai-Tais and chicken wings – after we put him through Coder Detox of course.”

Mr. Conery can be reached via his blog at http://blog.wekeroad.com.